So recently, I was friend-added by a woman who was another member of a certain feminism-promoting Facebook group I frequented. We got to talking, pretty casually, and I quite simply mentioned that I was in a marriage along polyamorous lines. We also spoke about the coming Singularity and the relative merits of joining the Cylons.
A few days later, she mentioned on her wall that she is in need of a massage in the region of where I stay. Since I perform massage services on a moonlighting basis, and since I did not know her and her friendship circle very well yet, I sent her a FB inbox message to mention that I do that sort of thing on a moonlighting basis. No funny stuff, no suggestive innuendo, nothing at all to indicate that I was even interested in her or being intimate with same. Herewith the full and sum total conversation between her and I:
Conversation started 19 November
[My name]
19/11/2014 14:29
[My name]
Hello To what do I owe the honour?
[Person X]
19/11/2014 17:17
[Person X]
Hey! Thanks for the add. Do you belong to the SA Feminists group? I think I saw one of your comments somewhere, a while back, and thought it was cool.
Then yesterday FB said we have mutual friends so I decided to "reach out" and be friendly.
It's weird, some people only add people they're friends with IRL, while others extend their network. I am becoming more of the latter lately.
Thursday
[My name]
20/11/2014 11:00
[My name]
Hi there Yes I am on the SA Feminists' group and been known to post there.
I am from the oldschool internet... met many of my best friends on IRC back in the day. Even met my wife there, with who I am now in a open polyamorous relationship.
[Person X]
20/11/2014 13:32
[Person X]
Cool. That's very enlightened of you both! I am not so advanced
I met my boyfriends through Facebook, although we do have friends in common IRL.
What is IRC? Please forgive my ignorance.
boyfriend*
[My name]
20/11/2014 13:37
[My name]
Eh, boyfriends plural is also fine
As I said, poly. Got a few lovers (women cis and trans) and a sweet subby lad
IRC is Internet Relay Chat. Old communications protocol that existed years before the concept of web pages was thought up
[My name]
20/11/2014 13:47
[My name]
the Windows program "mIRC" was widely used for this
Thursday
[Person X]
20/11/2014 19:38
[Person X]
Wow. Yep, I guess the internet has changed a lot. We're all so used to constant change now (in technology) that we don't even really notice it anymore
[My name]
20/11/2014 19:41
[My name]
Yep. And the rate of change is itself accelerating. That's what the singularity is about
[Person X]
20/11/2014 19:42
[Person X]
I know. Bring on the singularity. I've had enough of this hellish existence.
I want to join the Cylons
[My name]
20/11/2014 19:48
[My name]
They're not too bad, the new ones anyway. But still so primitive in their warlike ways
[Person X]
20/11/2014 19:49
[Person X]
Heh.
[My name]
20/11/2014 20:31
[My name]
Sorry, not the best day to brain
[Person X]
20/11/2014 20:32
[Person X]
No, it was fuuny. Maybe my heh didn't properly convey that
[My name]
20/11/2014 20:34
[My name]
Oh, I didn't mean that. I meant my occasional silence
We are house hunting and dealing with passive aggressive housemates atm
[My name]
20/11/2014 20:41
[My name]
In addition to which, I woke up at 4AM this morning and my blood sugar is pretty low right now too
And it's Thursday, which not even Arthur Dent could get the hang of
[Person X]
20/11/2014 20:42
[Person X]
hah.
You'd better get some rest1
[My name]
20/11/2014 20:43
[My name]
True story.
[Person X]
20/11/2014 20:43
[Person X]
Good luck with the househunting and passive aggressors
[My name]
20/11/2014 20:46
[My name]
Thank you. We'll speak soon, I'm sure
[Person X]
20/11/2014 20:46
[Person X]
Cools
Tuesday
[My name]
25/11/2014 14:52
[My name]
Hey there [Person]! I happen to moonlight as a masseur, and am told I'm fucking brilliant at it. I'm sure we can come to an arrangement. (No innuendo intended :P)
I can come to you, too. I live in Newlands atm
[Person X]
25/11/2014 15:07
[Person X]
Sounds great, thanks. I work in Rondebosch and live in town though, so I need a place to go to to have it done (can't have it done at work
[My name]
25/11/2014 15:09
[My name]
I could host at my place, it's not quite a massage studio but it will suffice
[Person X]
25/11/2014 15:13
[Person X]
How much do you charge?
Actually i think I'm going to politely decline. I want to go to like a spa, with panpipe music and someone I don't know at all massaging me. Thank very much for your kind offer though
[My name]
25/11/2014 15:16
[My name]
All good, I understand
Usually I charge R350 for a full body massage, so you know. Might knock off some of that for a season special
[Person X]
25/11/2014 17:45
[Person X]
Hi [My name]. I need to tell you that I have found you to be extremely inappropriate with me from the beginning. Me adding you on FB was not an invitation for you to talk about your sex life or offer me massages.
It crosses major lines and frankly it's creepy and gross. If you're using the SA feminists as pick up group that's disgusting and unacceptable.
I don't want to discuss this with you further, but I felt you needed to be told, and might not creep other women in the future.
Goodbye.
[My name]
25/11/2014 18:01
[My name]
Dear [Person]
Gosh. You don't have to discuss or reply to this, I just you should know what my intent was vs the outcome of events. I am incredibly sorry about that. I'm often too honest and open about my life and lifestyle, and done people just aren't used to that sort of openness that doesn't come with some sort of agenda. If you were to ask somebody that knows me well, you would get a much different impression of me than you got, but I don't blame you for misreading me and my intentions. I do in fact moonlight doing massage, and it's just that. Massage. The fact that I was open about my love/sex life was in no way intended to come on to you, in fact nothing that I said to you had that intent behind it.
I sincerely apologise for inadvertently giving you the wrong impression. I do not use the group that way and never would, it would indeed be unacceptable. I'm mortified that anything I did caused you offense. The impression you got was the furthest thing from my mind. I wish you nothing but the best in the future.
Sincerely, [My name]
The next message I received was this message from an administrator of said group. Note that I was given no opportunity to present my side of the case, nor an indication that the woman in question has even shared our actual conversation with the administrators in question.
Message from [Group Admin]I would very much like to know in what way she "made it clear she's not interested". It certainly was not by the use of words and sentences fashioned by her brain and sent via her fingers to me. I suspect that she might very well have communicated by pheromones and interpretive dance, but she certainly never actually said in words that she felt I was coming on to her, or that she felt that my topic of conversation was inappropriate, or anything negative whatsoever until she went full-on "you're a creep" mode.
Hi [my name]
The admin of SA Feminists were approached by a member of the group regarding communications between both of you and how it made her uncomfortable. She had expressed no interest and made to feel even more uncomfortable when you approached her a second time in private regarding a public posting of hers.
She responded to you by stating that your approaching her was not acceptable and not welcome and didn't wish to be contacted again. Which you did, in a manner that the admins feel dismisses her feelings of discomfort and blamed her for misinterpreting your approaches.
Sending a woman you don't know well a personal message about your sex life, and, after she's made it clear she's not interested, later contacting her privately again to offer a massage—is behaviour that any man concerned with feminism should absolutely recognise as problematic, entirely regardless of his intentions.
A response focused solely on your own intentions as the only salient factor, and completely ignoring how she actually felt about being on the receiving end of this behaviour (despite her clearly stating it) and, before sending the messages, not thinking at all about how each would likely come across or make her feel—this is what's problematically sexist about these actions
It has been discussed and the admins feel that this behavior is not appropriate and we will be removing you from the group.
Hopefully you can see this as a learning experience and adjust your interactions with others going forward.
Regards
I am willing to provide screenshots of the FB conversation above (sanitised & blurred out, of course, to protect her identity despite all that has transpired because it's the right thing to do). I am interested to know whether she would be willing to do the same.
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